Mary Sue Creations
by The Akai-Sakura
Summary: A company who makes Mary Sues screws up on their latest ‘Sue and creates… a Tolkien nerd and a freak! What kind of strange ‘Sue is this? T for obvious reasons.
1. Welcome to the MSC

**Summary**: A company who makes Mary Sues screws up on their latest Sue and creates a Tolkien nerd and a freak?! What kind of strange Sue is this?!? PG-13 for obvious reasons.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned Lord of the Rings, I wouldn't have to worry about putting up a disclaimer for it, ne? So, since you saw Disclaimer', that obviously means I don't own it, right? However, I do own the MSC and Lee. As much as I deny the former ^_^;; Heh

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Chapter 1

Welcome to MSC

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Amanda settled down on her couch with a bucket of popcorn and pressed "Play". Her favorite movie started: _The Two Towers_. She giggled. "More Aragorn, more Legolas, more Faramir what more can a girl ask for?" she said aloud to nobody in particular.

Her head started spinning. What if a girl like _her_ fell into Middle-Earth and joined the Fellowship? She'd make Legolas' eyes pop out of his head, Aragorn forget Arwen, Boromir lust for her and she'd be a regular old girl from Earth. Of course, she'd know the story of _Lord of the Rings_.

As Amanda innocently plotted out her "story", a phone rang in a strange place

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"Hello, Mary Sue Creations, Lord of the Rings Department, can I help you?"

The receptionist's voice was cheery and beautiful, sounding like a bird's song at dawn (granted, not many birds are _up_ at the crack of dawn, but still). She nodded her blonde head up and down as a voice on the other side prattled away. She whipped out her trusty pen and jotted some notes. "OK OK yeah, uh-huh mm-hmm got it!" She hung the phone up and, grabbing the paper, hurried down the hall.

A handsome man looked over at her as she stopped in his office. "Rakael, can I help you?" he inquired.

Rakael smiled brilliantly. "Sian, we have a new order," she trilled.

Sian immediately perked up. "Really? Well, off to the generator," he replied happily, crossing the room and knocking on the door next to his. He listened, then flung the door open. Two men and a young woman looked up, surprised. The men were as Sian was, wearing white lab coats. The girl was obviously an intern, from the way she beamed at Sian coquettishly.

"Yes, Sian?" the older of the men said, obviously impatient.

"Elohir, you have _got_ to hear this!" Sian cried, striding over to him. Elohir blinked.

"What have we got?" he asked. The other, younger man and woman leaned over his shoulder. "A new _Rings_ Sue!" Elohir shouted, causing the two people peeking over his shoulder to wince. He turned to the control panel. "Let's see entering in entrance scene and the new version 6.0 automatically adds the rest," he muttered, punching in a couple buttons.

The younger man and the intern looked at each other. "You suppose they're happy, Leo?" the girl asked.

Leo nodded. "Looks that way, Sharon." Sharon and Leo looked on as the capsule-type-thing next to them started blinking and emitting strange light. A red light flashed from the console. **_[ERROR: WARNING: DOES NOT COMPUTE]_** the screen read. Elohir blinked again and hit the console.

Immediately the lights stopped, the blinking ceased, and a dark figure was seen in the capsule. The five people smiled. "I can't _wait_ to meet her," Rakael whispered.

Leo blinked. "Wait. That figure has _no_ curves" he pointed out, trailing off silently.

A skinny girl with about as much curves as a pencil exited the capsule. She had dishwater-blonde hair that hung messily in uncombed waves and was _way_ too short to look _cute_, let alone _gorgeous_. Her brown eyes squinted, then blinked. A hand with bitten-down and uneven nails went straight to her mouth as she chewed another nail.

"Dear sweet Goddess, what the _fuck_ am I doing here?"

Elohir, Sian, Rakael, Sharon, and Leo gasped. "The Mary Sue generator's on the fritz" Sian muttered. Elohir's eyes were wide as he rushed forward with a forced smile.

"Hello," he greeted in an effort to be polite. "What's your name?"

The girl blinked again. "Lee." She immediately scowled. "Wait, _that_ was stupid. Who the hell are you, anyway?" she asked in disbelief.

He ignored her. "Li," he murmured. "Well, if it's spelled L-I then it _sounds_ foreign—"

"Iie. Lee. L-E-E," Lee spelled out, scowling again. "Plain old American. Do I _look_ Chinese to you?"

He shot her a withering look. "No, you certainly don't," he muttered. "And what language was that ee-eh'?"

"Japanese," Lee retorted. "I happen to be a student. Though most of the words I know are curse words." She shrugged, a smirk taking place of the scowl. "Demo, who cares?"

"I do!" Rakael shrieked. "You're supposed to be a Mary Sue, for chrissake! You _can't_ speak any other languages than English!"

"Why?" Lee asked bluntly.

A silence echoed through the room. "Yeah, thought so," Lee remarked, smirking again.

Leo stepped forward. "Here, we'll give her the Test," he said. The other four nodded. He turned to Lee. "What's your full name?" he asked sternly.

"What is the point of this?" she asked ironically.

He sighed. "Just answer the questions."

"Fine. Lee Mallory." She rolled her eyes.

"Who's your favorite singer?"

"Is it pertinent?"

"Answer the damn questions."

"Argh. If I must."

"You must."

"I was going to bloody answer it" Lee rolled her eyes again. "I don't really have one. I like a lot of singers."

"Favorite type of music?"

"Whatever I feel like when I wake up in the morning."

"Hair color, in your opinion?"

"Dishwater blonde."

"Eye color?"

"Brown."

"Style?

"Ano whatever I feel comfy in. Usually an old pair of jeans with frayed hems and a smart-ass T-shirt."

"Are Mary Sues _supposed_ to be cocky?" Sharon whispered to Sian.

"No," he whispered back. Straightening up, he pointed to the console. "Well, since you're here, fix that," he announced.

Lee blinked. "Who, me?"

"Of course!" Sian replied, gritting his teeth.

"Sure, why not." She ambled over lazily to the computer. "Hmm" She pressed a button and it beeped loudly. "Maa, guess _that_ one doesn't like me," she cracked. Silence met her sarcasm. "Oooookaaayyyy." Lee straightened. "I can't."

"Why not?!" Sian shouted. "You're a Mary Sue, damnit!"

"I suck with computers," Lee answered angrily. "Excuse _me_ if I couldn't use my PC to do anything except do my homework."

Leo brightened. "Maybe she's a good student!" he remarked. "What's your favorite subject?"

"English," Lee replied automatically. "I like writing dark poems. Stuff about rejected women and blood."

Leo winced again. "Least favorite?" he asked weakly.

"That'd have to be Chemistry. I'm failing," she remarked airily.

Rakael's eyes bugged out. "_Failing_?!" she shrilled. "Mary Sues don't _fail_!"

"Yeah, well _I_ do, missy," Lee shot at her. "I'm only human." At that, Rakael blinked and slumped to the ground, unconscious.

Elohir sighed. "Well, you can at least get me that pen," he said irritably, pointing to a desk covered in pens.

Lee squinted. "Which one?" she asked.

"_That_ one!" He jabbed his finger at the pen in question.

"Which one, chikuso?! That desk is fucking covered with pens!" she yelled furiously.

"The one I'm pointing at!" he shouted back.

"Excuse me if I can't see it," Lee said acidly. "I don't have my fucking glasses with me."

Elohir nearly acted like the employees in one of the anime Departments by facevaulting, but checked himself. She had to be a Mary Sue. Even if she did have a bad attitude, no curves, bad hair, and glasses. She was created in the Generator, after all. And all Mary Sues were made in the Generators. No one who was made in the Generators wasn't a Mary Sue. It broke the natural laws of Mary-Sueism. So Elohir sighed and went to get the pen himself.

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"OK, now we're sending you to Middle-Earth."

"_Nani?!_ But I don't know Sindarin, or Weston, or Rohirric, or _any_ of the Middle-Earth languages!" Leo blinked.

"_Please_ tell me you haven't read the books, and that you've just seen the movies," he muttered.

Lee held her head up proudly. "All three in the Trilogy, _The Hobbit_, _The Silmarillion_, and plenty more, bucko," she said, smirking. "I refuse to see the movies. They made a goddamn mockery of the books."

Leo sighed heavily. "Well, you're the only one we can send," he said sulkily. "So here's your built-in Middle-Earthian translator. Now you can understand them, happy?" Lee scowled at him. "Whatever," he retorted. "Do you have an heirloom item of jewelry? _Something_ that I can work with?"

She held up her wrist. "A cheap bracelet my best friend bought me from Six Flags."

Leo swore under his breath. "Oh well. Just go," he said shortly, pushing her rudely through the portal.

"Bite me, kisama!" were her last words as she tripped through the space between the worlds. Leo swore again. "This is _not_ going to please the Boss" he muttered.

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**A:N**: ^_^ This is going to be fun to write. I wanted a Mary Sue that wasn't a Mary Sue. Here she is! Our darling Lee! ^___^ Also, it's pretty funny how everyone reacted to her. Maa not much else to say. Review, tell me what you think please!

Sayonara,

Akai-Sakura


	2. Of Secret Councils and LivArwen

**A:N**: Well, I had _so_ much fun writing the first chapter, I'm going to write the second as well! ^__^;;;; Obviously. Anyway, this will be quite interesting. I hope you guys like it. Here's a sneak preview: Lee gets her first good look at Middle-Earth—as the Mary Sues have distorted it! She's not exactly your average avatar, ne? Who _knows_ where she'll end up—I certainly don't. Have fun reading!

**Disclaimer**: I own Lee! Wai! ^______^ Unfortunately, I don't own _Lord of the Rings_ or anything that has to do with Middle-earth whatsoever. Tolkien is God. Yes he is. .:holds up her three "Bibles"—her _Lord of the Rings_ books, _The Mists of Avalon_ by Marion Zimmer Bradley, and the _His Dark Materials_ trilogy by Philip Pullman:. By the way, I'll be doing a fic off of _His Dark Materials_, so all you fans, hang on!

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Chapter 2

Of Secret Councils and Liv/Arwen

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Lee looked up after having done a nasty faceplant. "Chikuso kisama I _will_ get you for that" she muttered, picking herself up. Something long and shiny fell out of her pocket. "Hey! My glasses!" She picked them up off the ground and wiped them off, using the front of her T-shirt. "Leo no baka got them all fucking dirty," she growled, jamming them on the bridge of her nose. She rolled her eyes.

"Where the hell am I supposed to—" She stopped as she realized where she was.

Lee had landed smack dab in the middle of Rivendell.

"Holy muffins," she whispered, pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and blinking. Lee had _always_ wanted to visit Middle-earth. Ever since she had picked up _The Hobbit_ as a curious student in her middle-school library (the only one, by the way—no one wanted to hang out with a geek like her), she had been drawn by the intricate descriptions of the lands that Bilbo had visited. As she had progressed to _The Lord of the Rings_ trilogy, she had longed to see the sights that the various members of the Fellowship had seen and had also called home.

Granted, if _she'd_ had _her_ way, she'd be in a place like Moria, Mirkwood, or Shelob's lair, which had fascinated her most, not the warm city of Rivendell. But beggars can't be choosers.

As Lee stood, enspelled by the glorious sights around her, an Elf hurried up to her. "Excuse me, miss," he said, bowing, "but are you here for the secret Council?"

She glared at him, astounded. "How do _you_ know about the bloody Council? Hell-o, what part of secret Council' do you not understand?!" She paused. "Wait, what language are we speaking that we both understand each other?" As she had explained—or tried to, in any case—to Leo, she didn't speak any Middle-earth languages.

The Elf frowned, his vacuous eyes blinking. "English, of course. What else would we speak?"

Lee's eyes widened in horror. "_No!_" she screeched, calling the attention of many Elves walking by her. "You speak Sindarin, or Weston. _I_ speak English. You—wha—how do _you_ know about English, anyway?!"

The Elf's eyes suddenly flickered with something strange. "Sindarin?" he questioned slowly.

Lee nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Sindarin, and Weston, and all that good stuff!" She sighed. "How could you _possibly_ know of English?"

The Elf's eyes went back to their vacant state. "It's the Common Tongue around here, milady," he replied in a firm tone that signified the end of the conversation. Lee opened her mouth to argue, but he rushed on. "If you are here for the secret Council, let me escort and present you to Princess Arwen."

"_ARWEN IS NOT A BLOODY PRIN_—" Lee's scream of rage was muffled as the Elf grabbed her arm and jerked her along.

After what seemed like an eternity of the Elf tugging firmly at her arm and Lee shrieking curses in various foreign languages, he finally stopped and bowed to a woman hidden in the shadows—of what, Lee was uncertain of. "Princess Arwen, this young lady needs to be dressed in appropriate attire. Please attend to her, then escort her to the secret Council."

"Again, what part of _secret_' do you not understand, you bloody moron?" Lee hissed. The woman stepped out of the shadows, and Lee stopped fuming.

Liv Tyler stood before her.

"Good, thank you, Elarhor," Liv said, waving her hand. The Elf (apparently Elarhor) bowed again and scurried off. Meanwhile, Lee's jaw was scraping the ground. This was _not_ how she pictured Arwen Undòmiel, daughter of Lord Elrond, to be.

Then she remembered, vaguely, the girls in her Bio class last year chattering about _The Fellowship of the Ring: The Movie_. "Arwen was _soooooo_ pretty!" one of them had cooed.

"Like, _yeah_," another commented. "Liv Tyler is, like, y'know, totally gorgeous."

Lee had stared. "_Please_," she remarked acidly. "Liv Tyler, pretty though she may be, can in _no way_ capture the true beauty of Arwen Undòmiel, or she who so resembles Lùthien Tinùviel."

They blinked at her. "Who the heck are you talking about?" the first one asked.

"Probably some weirdo from those weirdo books she reads," the second girl replied snottily.

Lee twitched. "Listen—" she began hotly, but another girl interrupted her.

"OK, are we done talking to the loser freak? I have more important things to do, like find pictures of that hottie Legolas." All the girls sighed dreamily. Lee snorted.

So _that_ was why Arwen looked like Liv Tyler. _OK, who screwed around with Middle-earth?_ Lee thought angrily_. As soon as I find them, I'm going to I'm going to think of something extremely unpleasant to do to them!_ (As justly noted, Lee wasn't too good at making threats.) _How _dare_ they taint the beauty of the Evenstar! Somebody's going to _die_ today._

As Lee fumed and wished more than ever that she was a hanyou and could rip said person to pieces, Liv Tyler/Arwen poked her. "Hey," she said, raising her voice. "Hey! Don't you need a change of clothes?"

Lee snapped out of her angry reverie. "Huh?"

Liv/Arwen sighed. "I believe, milady, that you are in need of a new gown, as yours has been ruined, somehow." She eyed Lee's torn-up blue jeans warily.

"Uh, no thanks, I'll just wear this," Lee replied, switching into adult-courtesy mode. Not that she would admit it to the loveliest being since Lùthien Tinùviel, but she hadn't owned a dress-like garment since she was a toddler.

"Nonsense," Liv/Arwen said, frowning a little. "You will need to wear something appropriate for the Council."

Lee blinked. "Well, then, can I just wear some leggings?"

"No."

Lee suddenly remembered that women stuck to the plain old gown-dealy-majig in Middle-earth. "Alright," she replied courteously. "But may I wear something er, not too girly?"

Liv/Arwen stared at her. "Well, let's just see what I have in my wardrobe," she answered, beckoning for Lee to follow her. She did so reluctantly, wondering if Tolkien's Elves knew what wardrobes even were. "So, milady, what is your name?" Liv/Arwen asked politely.

"Lee."

"Li that is very beautiful," Liv/Arwen sighed. "It has a very foreign air about it—"

Lee twitched. "L-E-E," she spelled curtly, trying to hold in her overflowing anger—and failing miserably. "Why does everybody think it's bloody spelled that way?" she burst out. "Come _on_, people! Do I look like I'm bloody _Chinese_ or—sorry, Lady," she immediately apologized. "You wouldn't know about Chi—"

"No," Liv/Arwen said thoughtfully, "you don't look particularly Chinese to me."

Lee's jaw scraped the ground yet again. "How—wha—can you tell me _how_ you know about Chinese people?" she demanded. "There is no fucking China here!"

Liv/Arwen raised her eyebrows. "Please do not curse here," she said coolly. "If my father overheard you, he would have some choice words of his own for you."

"It's not a bloody swear word here!"

"Now, Lady Lee—"

"_I'm not a goddamn lady!_"

"—please choose your gown," Liv/Arwen finished, glaring at her. She huffed to the side of the immense wooden wardrobe. Lee's shoulders drooped miserably. _Great_, she thought. _I've made Arwen mad at me. Good job, Lee._

She swung the door of the wardrobe open gloomily and blinked.

Inside were gowns of every color—even some that changed color. One was switching off between orange and blue, and Lee had to avert her eyes before she damaged them even more. She pushed that one aside and was faced with an emerald green asymmetrical dress. _Did they _have_ asymmetrical dresses in Middle-earth?_ she wondered as she slid that one down the rack. Next up was a bubblegum-pink ballgown with off-the-shoulder straps and a huge, poofy skirt. Lee pushed that one, too, down with the other two rejects. _Pink is evil_, ran through her mind repeatedly as she went through five more dresses in different shades of pink.

Ten minutes later, Liv/Arwen was tapping her foot impatiently and Lee had rejected every dress in the wardrobe. "Well?" Liv/Arwen snapped. "Have you picked a gown out yet?" She rolled her eyes, and Lee decided not to comment on how modern that was and ask Liv/Arwen how in the name of the Valar she had learned that.

"Um, don't you have something well, plainer?" she asked, chewing her bottom lip.

Liv/Arwen glared daggers at her "guest". "I'll look for something," she said snottily, reminding Lee of the condescending brats from school. She jerked open one of the drawers below the main bureau area of the wardrobe and started throwing things on her bed. "Here," she sniffed, finally holding up a long white dress, simple and plain. "You can have _this_ old rag. I don't even know why I have it anyway, but if an urchin like _you_ wants to wear it in front of all those honored guests, you can make an idiot out of yourself."

Lee twitched as she wondered how Liv/Arwen knew modern slang. "Thank you, Lady," she said politely. Liv/Arwen merely sniffed again and dramatically swept out of the room. "Talk about a drama queen," Lee muttered, pulling off her T-shirt with regret. "Wish I didn't have to do this," she said aloud, "but there's no other way I could blend in. I'm surprised that the Elves didn't shoot me on sight." She pulled the dress over her head. "Come to think of it," she continued, her voice muffled, "why didn't they shoot me on sight? A stranger, wearing strange clothes, looking like well, a _freak_, in _these_ unsure times? I should have been killed immediately."

There was a pause as she tugged the gown downwards. "Not that I _wanted_ to be killed or anything," she added hastily to no one in particular. "I'm just speculating on how how _weird_ Middle-earth seems to be." She smoothed the long gown down and took her jeans off from underneath the skirt of the dress. "OK, guess I'd better go find Arwen," she muttered, throwing her torn jeans on the bed with her T-shirt and slipping her shoes and socks off. "Even if I _am_ barefoot."

Liv/Arwen was, amazingly, waiting outside the door. "I was waiting for you," she squealed. Lee blinked. Was this the same girl who had called her an urchin and dissed her taste in clothing? She seemed to have had a total turn-around. Liv/Arwen grabbed her hand. "Come on," she said, smiling and tugging at her arm, "you're going to be late for the Council, and I don't want you to miss it." Taken by surprise, Lee just nodded dumbly and let Liv/Arwen pull her around where she would.

The next thing she knew, Liv/Arwen was shoving her through a door. "They're outside," she whispered, then wrinkled her nose. "Do you _want_ to keep those glasses on? Why don't you get contacts or something?"

Lee hissed, "How in Eru's name do you know about contacts?", but Liv/Arwen was already pushing her through the door. Lee blinked as she stepped into the bright sunlight and adjusted her glasses. A group of Elves, Men, and Dwarves turned to look at her, and Lee could see a person roughly the height of a child. Her breath caught. She was definitely looking at Frodo Baggins, if she really was in the Council of Elrond. A tall person stood behind him, and as Lee squinted at him, she recognized _Ian McKellen?! What in the name of Eru?!_

A tall Elf stood and gazed at her kindly, yet stern. "So, you are the girl that my daughter has told me about, that will join our Council?" he asked gently. Lee blinked, figuring that this was Lord Elrond.

"Uh, I guess, unless there's any women joining the Council." She smiled courteously—after all, he was Lord of Rivendell, and she was a commoner, if she really thought about it.

"_You_ are," another Elf said bluntly.

"I wasn't invited!" she shot at him. "They just found me wandering, pushed me into the Lady Arwen's rooms, and said, Pick out a gown for you to wear to the Council'!"

"It's not _much_ of a gown," the Elf replied, wrinkling his nose. "Couldn't you have picked something more becoming?"

Elrond frowned. "Don't you mean, Princess Arwen'?"

"No," Lee said automatically, "she's not a Princess, she's the daughter of _Lord_ Half-elven, so I mean _Lady_ Arwen." She suddenly realized to whom she was talking to and turned scarlet. "Uh, Lord Elrond, I'm sorry. Forgive me of my trespasses on your courtesy," she immediately apologized, bowing as low as humanly possible (she'd never learned how to curtsy).

Elrond's frown deepened. "You will address me as _King_ Elrond in my own kingdom, mortal," he thundered.

Lee's eyes widened. "Yes, Your uh Majesty." Apparently Elrond was suffering from a severe case of megalomania. She hoped it wasn't _quite_ as bad as Sauron's. "I didn't mean to infringe on your kindness."

The Elf who had spoken out against her earlier rose. "Your Majesty, who is this girl?" he asked, frowning. "Where dost she hail from?"

"Oh brother," Lee muttered under her breath, hearing the bad case of Olde English.

"I was just about to ask her that," Elrond replied. He looked down at Lee, who was bowing in a Japanese fashion. "Get up, milady, and do tell us where you hail from and who you might be."

Lee rose to her feet. "Your Majesty, I am Lee, spelled L-E-E, and I hail from" She paused, thinking of a suitable place to be from. She couldn't very well say she was from Earth. "Er, uh, um, what I mean to say is"

"Out with it!" the Elf from earlier snapped.

She glared at him. "Hold on! Um, it's on the tip of my tongue Gondor!" she blurted out, the first dwelling of Man that popped into her mind. "Yes! I am a woman of Gondor."

Elrond turned to a tall, fair man. "Did she arrive with you, Boromir?"

Lee gulped. _Crap_, she thought, _I forgot Boromir was here! I just blurted without thinking. Gods, I am so stupid._

"Not that _I_ can remember," Boromir replied. He winked at Lee, who blinked. "I would remember one so fair riding in my company."

There was a silence, then.

Lee let out a huge snort of horse-like laughter. "Yeah right!" she cracked. "Me, _fair_? I am hardly blond and pretty'," she added in a mocking voice.

The Elf with an attitude problem glared at Boromir. "You mortals obviously suffer from incredible blindness if you find this wench fair'."

"OK, I understand that I may not be the most gorgeous woman to walk on two legs, but that does _not_ give you the right to disrespect me and call me a bloody _wench_!" Lee snapped. "Who the _hell_ do you think you are, anyway?"

There was another sudden silence as the Elf rose in fury. Lee realized that maybe her mouth had gotten her in over her head again when he replied frostily, sending her an icy glare, "My name is Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood and son of Thranduil, King of Mirkwood."


	3. Meet The Boss

**A:N**: Well, this is pounding in my head, screaming, "Write me, damnit! _Write me!_" so I'm writing it. The third chapter to Mary Sue Creations and the third chapter in the saga of our very own Lee (spelled L-E-E, not L-I). ^__^ Ai shiteru, minna! A special arigatou to Shada Bay: Thank you for all of the corrections--it's okay, I do the same thing too. Also, you guys will be very surprised at how OOC the Fellowship and accompanying characters are. It's that way for a reason, I assure you. Eventually--no, never mind, that would be too much. ^__^ Also, nycscribe46: Yeah, they're pretty stupid alright. They'll put any OFC as a Mary Sue. Why? They're getting desperate, what with the PPC and cool authors like us. ^_~ Heh...

**Disclaimer**: Lee is a figment of my warped, twisted, psychotic imagination. As is the MSC, as much as I deny it. Everything else—pff, yeah _right_!

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Chapter 3

Meet "The Boss"

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Lee gaped, her jaw scraping the ground for yet a third time that day. "You're a liar," were the first words out of her mouth. Immediately she cringed.

Legolas glared at her imperiously. "Dare you challenge the Prince of Mirkwood?" he asked haughtily. Lee cursed inwardly at herself and silently vowed to duct tape her mouth shut.

"Er, no, Your Highness. I just um er couldn't believe my eyes. Yeah, that's it!" Lee improvised on the spot, obviously lying. "I just couldn't believe that I was meeting an actual prince!" _Even though Elves really had no true sense of hierarchy and it's just a bloody _titleshe added silently. Obviously she was BS'ing her way through this little confrontation. If anyone couldn't see that, she really _would_ duct tape her mouth shut.

"Many people feel that way as well," Legolas acknowledged, satisfied. He sat back down.

Lee's eyes opened wide and her glasses began to slip downwards on her nose. She pushed them back up. "Okay, where's the duct tape?" she muttered.

Elrond cocked his head (which disturbed Lee very much so). "What did you say, Milady?" he asked.

"Er, nothing!" Lee smiled a huge smile and began waving her hands back and forth in a very anime-style sort of way. "Eheheh I said _nothing_." Subdued at last, she took the only seat available.

Elrond nodded. "Now, let us move on with the Council. Frodo, bring forth the Ring." He motioned to the child-like shadow, and out stepped.

"_Elijah Wood?!_" Lee shrieked.

The Council all turned to stare at her.

"Uh, I mean, _Frodo_! Yeah, that's it!" Lee was becoming extremely flustered, seeing as her brain and her mouth didn't seem to have any connection whatsoever anymore. "So, your name is Frodo? Hi, how ya' doing? I'm Lee." At this point, she had no idea what she was saying. Words just seemed to be spilling out of her mouth like crazy. Lee began to resume cursing inwardly at herself. "Lee no baka!" she said aloud angrily without even realizing she was speaking. "You're acting like a movieverse _fangirl_! Start acting well um like you usually do!"

Everyone stared at her as she babbled on. "For chrissake, Lee, you're acting _stupid_! Well, then again, this _is_ Frodo Baggins. I have every right to feel weird in front of the savior of Middle-earth. Argh," she interrupted herself, "no. You're just being a moron. Any minute now you're going to wake up at your computer and start looking for_ Lord of the Rings_ badfics to flame." She stopped and let out a sigh. Finally noticing everyone staring at her, she asked nervously, "What? What did I do now?"

Elrond finally coughed. "Um, milady, did you just talk to us?"

Lee blinked. "No," she replied slowly.

Everyone brightened. "Okay!" Elrond said cheerfully, and Lee twitched at the usage of modern-day slang. "Well, Frodo, do you have the Ring?"

"Yes," Frodo said, placing a golden ring onto a round table in front of Elrond. Boromir stared hungrily at the Ring; Aragorn eyed it nervously; Legolas tossed his head—or, well, _hair_; and Lee just blinked. She had more important things on her mind—like _why_ was everyone acting so strangely? Arwen was acting as if she was bipolar, Elrond was suffering from delusions of grandeur _and_ megalomania, Legolas was a stuck-up brat, Boromir would wink at every female to walk by him, Frodo was Elijah Wood, Aragorn kept twitching uncontrollably as if he was epileptic or something, and Gimli was nowhere to be seen. Somebody had seriously messed around with Middle-earth.

Lee suddenly remembered her "thought" earlier: _"Any minute now you're going to wake up at your computer and start looking for _Lord of the Rings_ badfics to flame."_ _Oh crap! _she thought nervously. _I'm in a twisted version of Middle-earth where where I'm a Mary Sue!!_

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"So, you see, Boss" Leo trailed off.

Elohir picked up for him. "Seeing as she _was_ created in the Generator, we _had_ to send her. It would contradict the Laws to not send her."

A musical laugh came from the shadowed desk. "Do not attempt to inform me of the Laws, Elohir," a voice said softly. "_I_ made them."

Elohir and Leo traded looks. "But, Boss, she's she's _normal_," explained Leo. "In fact, she's abnormally so. How is this possible?"

The Boss laughed again. "Leo, my little Leo," said the voice again. "Did you ever think that, perchance, she is _not_ a Mary Sue?" Leo nearly stopped breathing.

Stunned, Elohir jabbered, "But but that's impossible! _All_ who are made in the Generators are Mary Sues! Otherwise, it would never _do_, to send them in without _knowing_." Actually, the idea had occurred to him, once or twice. But it (quite literally) was unthinkable to even formulate the thought so he had dropped it. Immediately.

His Boss cut him off. "Idiots!" the voice snapped, not quite so musical or soft anymore. "I _know_ that! I created the entire _idea_ of Mary Sue Creations! Do not _dare_ to think above me again! Did you ever even _think_ that maybe—just _maybe_—this Lee _wasn't_ created in the Generators? That perhaps she was pulled in from the _real world_?" A plush, red velvet armchair swirled around to reveal a woman of such intense perfection it hurt the eyes to look at. "Morons!" she snarled.

Leo's eyes widened. Eight years on the job, and he had never seen the Boss. He didn't think anyone really had. She kept herself in obscurity so long that no one dared to look at her—plus, it really, _really_ hurt his eyes.

She continued, "I was the first _ever_ Mary Sue to step forth in Middle-earth. I have seen plenty of Mary Sues step into that realm. Now tell me, you two, how could this happen?" Her eyes narrowed. "I will _not_ tolerate this."

There was a long silence, finally broken by Leo. "It may have something to do with the new 6.0 Generators that our engineers built. It just bases it off of what our calls say, so perhaps" He trailed off again.

The Boss nodded. "Alright," she said curtly. "Scrap all of the 6.0 Generators immediately. I won't take anymore of these these _real girls_ walking around in _my_ realm. Besides, at best we can get those Protectors of the Plot Continuum after her to kill her." At the words "Protectors of the Plot Continuum" Leo and Elohir winced involuntarily. She glared at them. "Well? What are you waiting for?" she snapped. "Alert the PPC on her at once. We're getting her out of there before she causes any more damage."

Leo and Elohir nodded, speechless, and scurried off. An evil smile curved on the Boss' face as she plotted. "I will get rid of that girl," she whispered to herself, whirling back around in her armchair. "I refuse to give in to such an urchin. She will lose. And Mary-Suedom will reign once more in Middle-earth."

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Lee gaped like a fish out of water. "Huh?" she said intelligently.

"We wish for you to join the Fellowship of the Ring," proclaimed Elrond, apparent-King of Rivendell.

She shook her head. "No."

Elrond blinked. "Excuse me?" he asked politely.

"I'm sorry. I'd love to, but I can't." Lee paused. "You see, that would destroy the numerology that Tolkien originally intended. Y'see, there are nine of the Nazgûl, so it makes sense that there should be Nine Walkers. That way, you guys are evenly matched. Not to mention all of the things that the number nine _represents_" Lee's babbling came to an abrupt halt when Legolas rose and rolled his eyes.

"OK, OK, we get it!" he snapped. "Now, just come _with_ us so that we can do our task!" He fluffed his hair.

Lee opened her mouth for a nasty retort, then realized that this was how most Mary Sues started out. She and Legolas would argue, then later they would start having wild monkey sex as soon as no one was looking. She blinked and began to hit her head. _Noooooo! _she screamed inwardly. _Don't think about that; it's gross!! He probably has cooties!!_ Thinking about cooties reminded her of when she actually believed in them, which was about how old her little sister was about now

Five minutes later, while Lee was oblivious to the rest of the world and still going off onto random tangents, Legolas cleared his throat. "That settles it, I suppose," he announced. "We will not be needing the services of erm, what was your name again?" he asked Lee.

She blinked, her eyes coming back into focus. "Who, me?"

Legolas, clearly exasperated, sighed. "Yes. You."

"Lee, spelled L-E-E." What Legolas had just said sank into Lee's brain. "And no, you guys _don't_ need me."

"Nonsense!" Elrond spoke up. "You _must_ go!"

Lee opened her mouth to politely deny when Aragorn replied, "Yes. Lady Lee, whether you wish it or not, you must come with us." He blinked rapidly, as if he were terrified of someone attacking him. "Something tells me that your part is not yet played."

She shut her mouth. Was it just her, or did that last sentence sound like the real Aragorn?

It was probably just her.

"Well, you know what, guys? I don't care. You go on without me, I'm sure you'll be _fine_," Lee said, waving her arms at the newly-formed Fellowship. "As for me, don't worry, I just want to sleep. I stayed up _really_ late last night writing a term paper, so I need it. See you guys erm, in the books." With that, Lee began to power-walk away.

_Thank Eru I got them off my tail_, she thought irritably. _Now I can just ask for a place to spend the night and then I can find a way—_

She never finished her thought as everything went black around her.


	4. The Reappearance of Gimli, son of Gloin

**A:N**: ^_^ Well, back to the drawing board! Or writing board, as it were. And, before I forget, Happy Holidays, minna-san! ^_~ Hope everyone had fun. _I_ did—I got an Aragorn doll! (Y'know, those really weird looking ones that you can get at Target.) _And_ I got the boxed set of _Lord of the Rings_! I lent two of the last ones to my friend who has yet to return them (after two frickin' years—I'm not waiting anymore) and the gods know what happened to my copy of _The Two Towers_. But it's all muffins, right? ^___^;;; And an update—the PPC is _not_ appearing in this chapter. But perhaps later on. Read on, o faithful reader-onners! @_@ Ja ne!

**Disclaimer**: Haven't we done this before? No? Oh, okay then. I don't own _Lord of the Rings_ or any characters that you recognize from any previously published books. I am a highschool girl living off of Chinese takeout and Ramen noodles because my mom is tired of having to cook every day. -__-;; All I own is Lee. And the MSC, as much as I deny it. Never! I don't own it! It belongs to uh the voices in my head! Aw crap that doesn't work.

«~*~»

Chapter 4

The Reappearance of Gimli, son of Gloin

«~*~»

Legolas beamed at Lee, who looked utterly disgusted. "Pleez Li" he said, "I wanna haf u in bed wit mee" Lee could distinctly hear the misspellings and was concentrating so hard on that alone that she nearly didn't notice what he had actually said.

"Wha—wha—_nani?!_" she spluttered, shoving him away. "Curse the Mary-Sueness of it all!"

Legolas looked sad. "O Li y wont u sleeep wit mee?"

"Argh!" Lee clutched her ears as if they were about to hop off and run away, screaming. "Stoppit! TI POTS! TI POTS!"*

"What do tea pots have to do with anything, milady Lee?" came a voice distinctly unlike Legolas' or hers. Lee blinked slowly, and the nightmare vanished as Frodo's face came into focus over hers. "You were crying, tea pots! Teapots!' over and over. Are you in distress?"

"No," snapped Lee, who was slightly groggy after being awoken so suddenly. "The only thing that I'm _distressed_ about is that you knocked me out so that I could come on this quest." She narrowed her eyes. "And _I_ thought you were men of _honor_."

Legolas huffed. "I am certainly no Man," he said snippily. "I am Elfen, and you will do well to remember it!"

Lee winced at the obvious misspelling. "El_V_en!" she hissed. "You moronic Elf! What the _hell_ is your problem? You just jump down my throat for every step I take!"

"I would rather—" Boromir began, but stopped when Lee shot him an evil death-glare. Ever since they had headed out—in the morning, which _still_ bothered Lee—and Lee had been conscious, Boromir had made some _very_ lewd remarks and hadn't so much as looked at the Ring. So Lee had been forced to doze off a bit. That was when she had awoken to find that Boromir had slung her over his shoulder and Frodo was asking her about teapots. Which she still didn't understand.

"Frodo, why in the name of Eru were you asking me about _teapots_?" Lee asked quizzically.

"Well, milady Lee, you were shouting something about teapots in your sleep, and it was quite distressing," Frodo replied, and Lee rolled her eyes at the thought of how teapots could be distressing. Suddenly, she realized what had happened in her dream.

"Oh! Not teapots, Frodo, TI POTS. T-I P-O-T-S. Backwards, it spells, STOP IT'. I learned it from a friend of mine." She pounded on Boromir's back for him to let her down, as she was perfectly fine on her own two legs. He ignored her and instead clutched her tighter. Lee growled. "I was just having a bad dream, that's all."

Frodo's frown deepened. "An _ominous_ dream, milady Lee?"

Lee groaned inwardly at a Hobbit talking like a Man. "No. Just a rather horrendous dream about a certain _Elf_." She sent an evil death-glare at Legolas' back. "Nothing ominous about it." At least she hoped not. To imply that it was ominous meant that it meant something, and Lee sincerely hoped that it didn't. She hastily changed the subject. "So, uh, Frodo has Boromir made any strange advances on the Ring yet?"

Frodo looked surprised. "Why no, milady Lee. Should he? Borimor is my friend, he'd never try and take the Ring." Lee winced again at the "word" "Borimor". Being one of few bookverse-Boromir fangirls, she took personal offense at it.

"_Boromir_!" she whispered, keeping the offense in her voice to a minimum. Frodo hadn't done anything to incur her wrath. _Legolas was just being a moron, so he deserved it_, she concluded. _What kind of stuck-up brat does he think he is?_

As if in answer to her question, Legolas said over his shoulder, "Many women fall down at my feet. I am the most beautiful of all the Elves in the land. So why is this particular wench impervious to me? Oh, _I_ see. She is not beautiful; therefore she cannot understand the _concept_ of beauty."

Lee blinked. "That made no sense, baka-a-a-a-a!" she yelled. "I can understand the concept of beauty just fine; but _you're_ acting like a jerk, so I owe _you_ no loyalty! Why should I be nice to someone who is such a condescending _snot_?!"

Silence ensued, as Lee breathed heavily, seething with anger

Suddenly, Lee heard a gruff laugh from beside Boromir. Stopping and opening her eyes wide, she looked around. She couldn't see anyone, yet she could still hear that laugh. In the middle of a chuckle, that same gruff voice said, "It's about time someone put that Elf in his proper place. He truly is a condescending snot', as you say, Lee."

Lee glanced around, eyes wide. Nobody else seemed to have heard the voice—Aragorn was twitching nervously; but then again, he was always doing that lately. Lee still hadn't figured out why, either. She slowly looked at Boromir. Normally, had Boromir been in-character, she would have definitely enjoyed this. But, seeing as he was OOC enough to make her cry, Lee despised the ride and being taken advantage of like this. She tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh, Boromir? Can I walk? I promise not to run away or anything."

He laughed. "Of course, Lee. As long as you do not try and escape and take more time by forcing us to look for you." Lee blinked. He actually sounded rather in-character just then. He set her down, and Lee immediately blinked again a couple of times.

Walking alongside Boromir was Gimli.

Why hadn't she seen him before? It was kind of hard to miss that giant axe. She stared until the Dwarf looked uneasy. "What? Is there something in my beard?"

She hid a grin. "Maa, how is it that only _I_ can see you?"

Gimli shrugged and replied, " Tis the ways of those evil women that drop from the sky. I am made invisible to everyone, and so I am accustomed to making the comments that I please." He snorted. "But how you can see me, I know not. Though you do not _seem_ to be one of them"

Lee nearly collapsed with relief. "Oh thank Eru! You're the _only_ member of the Fellowship that's still in-character!" Though the shrug was rather modern—but Lee didn't expect perfection at this point. All she needed was someone in-character to talk to.

"Well, Boromir does have his moments," Gimli added. "But they are few and far between. And he is usually encouraged back into this out of character' that I hear you speak of." He shifted his axe to his other shoulder. "But are you _truly_ a woman of Gondor, or are you from the sky as well?" He eyed her suspiciously.

Lee gulped. She didn't want to die but she couldn't lie to save her life. Her mom had built it into her to be honest. Of course, that just encouraged her to be blunt and outspoken though apparently that wasn't the "in-thing" at her school. Thinking about her mom made Lee realize how much she wanted to go home. How much she wanted her cozy bed with the weather-worn quilt her grandmother made for her seventh birthday She gulped back tears—nobody _ever_ wanted to see Lee cry—and replied candidly, "I think I _am_ one of the girls who fell from the sky', but I don't want to be here. I just want to go home and read about all of this." She risked a swipe at her eyes to make sure she wasn't starting to cry, although the tickling feeling in her nose wasn't reassuring her in the slightest. "I don't _want_ to mess up Middle-earth anymore than it already has been. I want to see my mom, and my sister, and my dad" Lee sniffed back tears and angrily cursed her tear ducts.

Gimli looked at her with—what? Pity? Sorrow? Compassion? Or did he just think she was being a complete twit? He finally said, "Lee, do not be afraid to cry. Twill not do you any good if you merely hold it inside."

"No," Lee hiccuped. "You don't want to hear me cry."

Gimli smiled at her. "Try me."

And so Lee burst into sobs.

Now, you must understand that when Lee cries, it's not so much "crying" as it is "bawling with loud wails and an outpour of tears". Her crying outbreaks are very rare—very little can actually make her cry, since she has a sardonic outlook on life. After all, the girl has been a real outcast all of her life, thanks to her glasses and all-around nerdy look. When she does cry, she lets it _all_ out.

You have to feel sorry for anyone in a 50-mile radius.

Gimli winced as Lee's wailing sobs reached a crescendo. "Lee, everything will turn out for the best!" he yelled loudly to be heard over her cries. "Just have faith!"

The rest of the Fellowship turned to look at her. "Why, milady Lee, whatever is the matter?" Frodo inquired, his voice getting lost in the din.

"_I want to go ho-o-o-o-o-me!_" Lee sobbed loudly. "_I don't want to be he-e-e-e-e-e-e-re!_" She scrunched up her eyes in a desperate attempt to save what little dignity she had left.

No dice.

Legolas stared at Gimli, who was patting her on the back. "Master Dwarf?" he muttered dazedly, passing a hand over his eyes. "What is it that I see?"

Gimli stood up. "Master Elf!" he replied joyously. " Tis good to see you come back to your senses!"

Legolas blinked. " Tis a strange feeling, this as if I have been asleep for many days" Something snapped, and Legolas stood straight. "What is this filthy Dwarf doing here?" he demanded imperiously. "I want it away!"

Lee sprang up, tears gone, glaring at the Elf as she rose. "Yarou!" she snarled. "Yarou no baka!** You really hurt his feelings just then!" She gestured to Gimli, who had a shocked expression of hurt on his face.

"No, Lee," the Dwarf murmured, "do not worry. I should be should be used to it after so long." He slung his axe over his shoulder and trudged forwards. Lee watched him walk away with sadness in her eyes. Now that her crying fit was over, she could clearly see just how hurt he was. Legolas was his best friend, with whom he had traversed much. If all had gone like it was supposed to, they would have sailed the Sea together. They had joked together, laughed together, and—for the gods' sakes—hewn orcs' necks together! They should have been best friends for life! Lee clenched her fists. _Mary Sue brought this_, she thought, seething with anger. _But if I have to stay in Middle-earth, I'll damn well try and fix it!_

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

(*-My friend actually screams "TI POTS!" when something disturbs her. That's how I learned it. .:rolls her eyes:. Crazy wench.)

(**-"Yarou" means "bastard". Therefore "yarou no baka" translates to "stupid bastard". "Bakayarou" is actually not "stupid bastard", as I thought at first, but instead is a severe form of "idiot". Just so everyone had that straight, because I tend to forget to leave a translation for all the Japanese I use. WARNING: Most of the Japanese words Lee uses are curse words.)


	5. How Not To Act Like A Mary Sue: Lesson I

**A:N**: So I have returned, after long last. Bit of writer's block (not to mention my dad told me that if I don't get my grades up, I'll never use the computer again or go to Mexico this March), but it's gone. ^__^ w00t! I'll bet you guys are getting really tired of that word. w00t! ^___~ Sorry. Didn't mean to. Blame it on the Tall Caramel Frappuchino I had today—that thing is half sugar, half caffeine. Good stuff, that. ^___^ Yay Frappuchinos! The gods bless Starbucks, even if they are taking over the world! Especially the Caramel ones (Frappuchinos, not Starbucks. Wouldn't it be funny to see a Caramel Starbucks? I'd eat it, because caramel is very, very, very, very, very delicious)!! ^_________________^ And now I'm rambling. I'll get on with writing and you can get on with reading. And then hopefully reviewing. And then reading again. And then referring to your friends. And then— .:gets knocked out by Gimli:.

**Gimli**: .:ahems:. Ignore her. She has had over her share of caffeine today. You may read the story now, and the Akai-Sakura hopes that you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer [by Gimli]**: Since the Akai-Sakura is still unconscious, I'll say this for her. She does not own anyone except Lee and Mary Sue Creations (the company). The Grey Company is not hers to claim, and neither is Arda or any of its inhabitants. Especially the Dwarves.

«~*~»

Chapter 5

How Not To Act Like A Mary Sue: Lesson I

«~*~»

Lee trudged forward, wincing as her bare feet stumbled over yet another rock. "Kuso, damn rocks," she muttered. "I shake my fist at you." She did so. Walking around Middle-earth without shoes was not fun. How _did_ the Mary Sues hack it?

_Hopefully when they return home their feet are all blistered and torn up into pulpy shreds_, she thought gleefully. _Just don't let that happen to me. Powers That Be, please don't let me return home with shredded stumps for feet. How would I move around? I suppose I'd get a wheelchair. But how would I explain it to my parents? Oh yeah, Mom, I was just prancing around Middle-earth without shoes on.' Yeah, dream on. Ye gods, that dream the other night scared the crap out of me. Legolas needs to keep his distance. Wouldn't it be cool if Orlando Bloom portalled in here out of nowhere and Legolas got back in character and then the Elf proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the "actor"? Would serve him right, too. Stupid pretty-boy "actor". He's fresh out of drama school, he should know how to act. Otherwise he should ask for a refund. Or maybe he has a learning disability, in which case I shouldn't make fun of him. If he screws up Troy', I will be pissy. Orli, beware of Lee, spelled L-E-E._

The teenager's train of thought was quickly derailed as Pippin poked her. "Eh, Lee? Lee, right? You're stepping on my feet."

Lee blinked. "Nani? Oh!" She stepped backwards. "My bad. I'm sorry." She obviously hadn't meant to trod on the young hobbit's feet. Something was nagging her, so she spoke up. "Pippin, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but how old are you?"

Pippin looked surprised, but answered, "Twenty-eight."

"Still in his tweens, I might add," Merry joked. Pippin elbowed him into silence.

"Ten bucks says that I know something you don't," Lee broke in. Her remark was met by questioning eyes. "Er, five horses says," she quickly rephrased.

Boromir looked over at her. "What, Lee?"

Lee replied with a snerk, "Frodo's ten years older than you, Boromir."

There was a silence, then.

Frodo's eyes lost their vacuous look. "That's right I'd almost forgotten," he said with a truer, in-character ring to his voice. Lee blinked yet again. (She seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.) Would reminding the Company of the little-known facts of themselves bring them back into character? It sure seemed to work on Frodo, after all. And besides, it wasn't like she didn't know it anyway. It shouldn't be that difficult.

"And Sam's the same age as Faramir," she added, shooting a quick glance at the spot where Samwise Gamgee had mysteriously appeared in, looking confused and gratified.

Boromir cracked a smile. "Truly? I wasn't aware that one of our member was the age of my brother." He looked at Lee. "How did you know that?"

"Appendices," she remarked carelessly, then immediately realized her mistake. "I mean, uh oh shit," Lee muttered under her breath. How was she supposed to know this information? She was a stranger to Middle-earth, after all. It wasn't logical. _Kuso_, she thought, cringing inwardly. _Somehow they're going to get it out of me._

Gimli shot her a glance, then said, "Boromir, leave well enough alone. Is it not enough that she knows such... unusual tidbits of knowledge?" His eyes twinkled, and Lee looked at him gratefully. _Saved by the Dwarf_, she thought, then repressed a wave of laughter that threatened to surface at the thought of the absurd show that would make. 

Boromir's eyebrows shot up, but instead just said, "As you wish, my friend." He gave Lee a searching glance and continued to walk.

Determined to make the best of this newfound knowledge, Lee ignored the unsettling feeling in her gut and continued, "Aragorn and Gandalf met twelve years before Frodo was even born, and Frodo was born eight years before Denethor and Finduilas wed. Merry, you have a cousin named I want to say Celandine? On your dad's side. She's about twelve years younger than you, I believe, making her four years younger than Pippin here. Aragorn met Arwen three years before Faramir and Sam were born. Merry, wouldn't that make you eight years older than Pippin, and then that means that you're thirty-six? Or do I just suck at math?"

Merry gaped. Then, "Yes, I'm thirty-six. And her name is Celandine." His eyes also lost that look of mindless joking. "That's amazing, you knowing all of that. How d'you do it? And what is math'?"

Lee snorted. "Math is the subject of numbers. Did I just _snort_?"

Gimli stifled a chuckle. "Yes, Lee. I believe you did."

"Damn. I was afraid of that." Lee looked mildly amused.

Pippin's eyes, too, were back to normal. "How did you know all of that, Lee? Are you a wizard like Gandalf? Or can you read minds? Or can you—"

"Whoa, hold on, Pippin," Lee interrupted, holding her hands up. "I only know it because—well, er, you see" She trailed off. Would it be ethical to tell them that in her world, they were little more than characters in a book? That they were thought to be the figments of the imagination of the all-great Tolkien? Or would she destroy all of their lives by that?

"Well," she began reluctantly, beginning to improvise the story a little, "where I'm from, all of you are recorded in a book. Your travails, your losses, your gains. And in the back of the last one, there's a timeline and a few family trees. And since I love to read these books, I know them by heart. Besides, they're interesting." Hopefully she hadn't revealed too much.

Pippin's eyes were huge. "Really?" he asked excitedly. "They know about me? I'm in a book? And people can read about me whenever they want?"

The hobbit's fascination and mood was highly contagious. Lee smiled and replied, "You bet. I even have a copy of the story in my room at home. Anything else you'd like to know?" Pippin's mouth quirked as he opened his mouth, but Lee interrupted. "Let me guess, now," she said, waving her hand. " The names of all the stars, and of all living things and the whole history of Middle-earth and Over-heaven and of the Sundering Seas. Of course! What less?' That's my favorite line." She grinned. If all of her stay in Middle-earth was like this, then it might not be so bad.

But what was she thinking? She wasn't supposed to be in Middle-earth. Didn't she realize how potentially dangerous she was? Lee knew that. She should have been at home, safely re-reading her books, imagining herself in Rohan like she always did.

_But wasn't this ten times better?_

No! No, this wasn't good. Lee felt a sinking sensation in her stomach. She had behaved the way a Mary Sue would, prattling off information like a complete showoff. Not only had she succumbed into what came naturally instead of fighting it, she had acted completely out of character herself. This wasn't like her. This was too Mary-Sueish. And to be perfectly honest, it scared the crap out of her.

Lee shivered. Suddenly the day lost all of its happiness and light, and she just wanted to cuddle up in her bed with her mom sitting next to her, stroking her hair like she hadn't done since Lee was seven. And she could feel the pain in her feet again. _Damnit_, Lee thought miserably as she trudged forward in silence.

Noticing the awkward silence, Gimli looked up. "It is getting dark," he observed. "Gandalf, what do you say we rest up and spare our feet a little longer?"

Lee looked up in sudden surprise. She hadn't known Gandalf was here. Well, she knew he was supposed to be here, but she hadn't seen him since that glimpse of Ian McKellan at the Council. And sure enough, there he stood, robed in grey and clutching onto his staff.

"I agree, Gimli my friend," the wizard replied. "Perhaps we should help ourselves to a night of rest." His eyes rested on Lee, and by the amusement in them she was sure that he had noticed her predicament. "Let us drink up to our first two days of journeying." He set out flasks of miruvor. "Come, Legolas! Aragorn! There is not much to fear. We will not run into any trouble here." Lee suddenly remembered that Gandalf knew what he was doing, and therefore wouldn't run them into any harm.

Aragorn twitched and replied, "Gandalf, my friend, are you sure we are safe?"

Gandalf returned his gaze without twitching and answered levelly, "I am sure of it, Aragorn."

Pippin burst in, "Come, Strider! Let's drink and be merry!"

Merry looked up. "What?"

Boromir smiled. "Surely a little rest will hurt no one."

"Humph! I refuse to eat with such an unbeautiful female," sniffed Legolas. Lee glared at him and stuck her tongue out childishly, to her later dismay.

Sam plopped down next to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo, what do you think?"

The group fell silent. After all, Frodo should make the decisions, although why he would decide to not do something like this was beyond Lee's comprehension. The hobbit smiled and nodded. "Aye, Sam. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't."

The tension slipped away, and Gimli set out a few flasks nearly identical to the ones Gandalf had. "Dwarf ale," he whispered to Lee, winking. "The strongest drink in the land. Best we had get a good night's sleep tonight, Lee."

"Yup," Lee managed. Dwarf ale? She was traveling with a band of drunkards! She sighed. _Oh well. If I have a choice, I'll take the miruvor_, she thought. _At least I won't end up drunk as a bat._

Gimli stood. "Excuse me, Lee," he said, "but Gandalf and I must talk."

"About?" Lee gestured wildly, curious. Okay, morbidly curious would be a better description, but for the purposes of context, we'll let it slide.

Strangely, Gimli looked slightly abashed. "Nothing you need worry about," he assured hastily, almost running to talk to Gandalf.

Lee stared, then shrugged. "Oh well," she muttered to herself. "At least I won't have to deal with the drunkards." She watched as Pippin took a sip of dwarf ale and stepped back staggeringly. Merry and Frodo roared with laughter and Sam allowed himself to laugh a bit, but then narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Lee when he realized that she was watching them. She quickly averted her gaze. Honestly, she didn't blame Sam one bit for being suspicious. After all, she was one of the girls who "fell from the sky" and ruined their lives continually.

She moved her gaze to where Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas sat. Legolas was quietly drinking miruvor while shooting death glares at Lee. She pretended to ignore him, inwardly seething at the nerve of the stuck-up Elf. Why did he have to be such a bastard?_ If he knew that I had been one of his main supporters back home, he wouldn't be acting this way_, she reasoned. Aragorn seemed to have loosened up a bit, and Boromir had risen and was walking over to where Lee sat.

"Well done, Lee," he said as he sat beside her. The girl blinked.

"Nani?"

"For bringing most of us back to the way we once were before those wretched women," Boromir replied, shuddering. "I was driven by my groin constantly. Not very pleasant, to say the least." He chuckled.

Lee managed a weak smile. _Ye gods, does he know that I have a huge crush on him? Oh Manwë, pleeease don't let me screw this up._ "Or for the girls who you took it out on," she found herself saying sardonically. "I for one didn't find it nice."

Boromir smiled. "Aye, I'm sure that you did not. I mean no offense, but neither did I."

"Boromir!" Gandalf called. "May we talk to you as well?"

"Aye," Boromir called back. "Excuse me, Lee." He rose and left to converse with Gimli and Gandalf. Lee looked at the flasks of miruvor and dwarf ale. Which was which? She was starting to get really thirsty, and she didn't want to end up drunk as a well, as a Dwarf. "Or a hobbit," she corrected, stealing a glance at the four holbytlan. "Crazy little munchkins, they are." Of course, this put her in mind of the Wizard of Oz and imagining Sam, Frodo, Pippin, and Merry singing, "We represent the Lollipop Land," was enough to make her snort again—quietly.

"Oh, what the fuck," she muttered. "I'm sure that it won't hurt even if I do have a little ale and I'm feckin' thirsty" She reached for a flask and downed half of it in one gulp. Pulling back, Lee gasped. "_Damn_, that's good!" she remarked, taking another swig. And another. And another


	6. Megolas

**A:N**: .:sneezes:. Whoops. Anywho, welcome back, my friends! I took a trip to el bien Mexicó, and it was bien. There are no more words for it. ^_____^;; Many pictures were taken, many smiles were captured on film, and (of course, seeing as we were in Mexico) many people were staring at my blond hair. -___-;; That was extremely uncomfortable. When we were at the Musèo de Historía in Monterrey—though most of our trip was in Zacatecas—I was coming out of the bathroom when a troop of elementary schoolgirls (very very tiny) walked past me in the direction I was going. (By the way, everyone in Mexico wears uniforms. All students. No exceptions.) They all stared at my hair and talked and giggled in Spanish. Unfortunately I didn't know what they were saying, so I just smiled like a loon and hurried out. ^_^;;; But I had a fun time nonetheless. And now, I give you what you're waiting for, if you are even reading this CHAPTER 6! You know you want to read it, so keep on going! Oh, and I need PPC agents to write in. Otherwise I shall have to use Viviane and nobody wants to see that. So if you are or happen to know any PPC agents, please let me know. ^_^ Arigatou!

**Disclaimer [by Gimli]**: I am unsure of why the Akai-Sakura wants me to do this disclaimer when she is in her right mind, but ah well. .:ahems:. The Akai-Sakura doesn't own the land of Arda, nor any of its inhabitants. She expresses her fondest desires to own such a thing, yet sadly the Tolkien estate holds full rights. So none of this suing' business she tells me about.

.:Newmoon runs up and gives Gimli a huge hug, then runs off:.

O_o .:ahems:. er, yes then. She would also like to know who you would like to see present this disclaimer in the future. .:holds up axe as if guarding himself from more crazed fangirls:.

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Chapter 6

Megolas

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Gimli began as Boromir sat down. "Lee tells me that she is one of the women from the sky. Yet she does not want to be here."

"Strange indeed," mused Gandalf. "Most of these women enjoy our travails."

Boromir frowned. "Are we able to trust her?"

"I do not trust her," Legolas huffed. "She is _so_ not pretty. Unlike _me_." He fluffed his hair in a way that disturbed Gimli, Gandalf, and Boromir.

They ignored him, as obviously this was not their Legolas—it was what had been caused after years of women who worshipped the ground he walked on. Gimli, however, did send him a pitying glance, then returned back to the topic. "She has turned us back into the people we once were, before these wretched women and she has made me visible," he added. A silence ensued.

"Perhaps we can trust her but let us walk with her for a little longer, then see." Gandalf stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Then we shall certainly see."

A loud cackle broke the conversation. Five heads swirled to find the source.

Lee and the hobbits stood, laughing, taking swigs of dwarf ale. Lee was cackling in a way that can only be described as half-amusing, half-frightful. She let out another "laugh". "Sho, you guysh," she slurred, "let'sh drink urp and paaartaaaay!" She sat down with a loud thump.

Pippin laughed. "Lee, you are funny," he teased. "Have you never had a drink in your life?"

Lee attempted to shake her head. "Nuh-uh. But it'sh gooooood shtuff." She changed from a cackle to a high-pitched, girly, very non-Lee giggle.

Obviously the holbytlan were not as drunk as Lee. After all, they had drank before and knew their limits. Lee, being an American teenager, did not and as such decided to drink as much as humanly possible.

She immediately sprang up, then fell back down. "OoooOOooooOOooh," she giggled, "I wanna danshe!" Merry helped her up, and she started dancing.

Everyone stopped.

Lee began to do the Happy Dance™, which originated from her listening to The Pixies excessively. Then it started to apply to Badfinger, Free, and other 1970s/1980s rock bands. This dance should really not be described just know that it accompanies said music. That should give you all the information you need.

She giggled scarily again. "Do the Happy Dance™, everyone!" she cried.

The Company stared blankly at her. Except for the hobbits, who immediately started Happy Dance™-ing alongside her. Lee cackled. "Go shorty, it'sh your birfday, we gonna party like it'sh your birfday" she rapped. "We gonna ship dwarf ale like it'sh your birfday, and you know we don't give a fuck caushe it'sh your birfday!"

"What is _that?_" Aragorn ground out. Gandalf noticed with a faint amusement that he had stopped twitching.

"I am nearly afraid to find out," Legolas replied, a sense of his old self coming back. His eyes widened. "Is that supposed to be _music_?"

"Dear Valar, I sincerely hope not," Aragorn muttered.

"Actually it'sh shupposhed to be we gonna ship Bacardi', but I dunno if y'know what Bacardi ish," Lee said. "And dwarf ale'sh goooood" She cackled.

Boromir marched over to where Lee had slumped down, helped her up, and gripped her shoulders. "Lee," he said firmly, "that is enough. No more drinks for you." He gently tugged the flask of dwarf ale out of her fist.

Lee tugged back. "Nuh-uh, dat'sh mine. Getcher own."

"Lee, enough," Boromir repeated. "No more drinks."

Gimli strode over to the two. "Lee, please hand over the ale immediately," he urged. "You have had enough."

"Why do you all shay dat?" Lee slurred blurrily. "I tink I know when I've had enuff." She snatched the flask back and, before Boromir or Gimli could muscle it away from her, downed the contents.

Boromir cursed under his breath. "Lee, you are drunk," he said. "If you drink anymore—"

"Hey lookit! It'sh Leggy-lash!" Lee had ambled over to the Elf and poked him in the stomach. Legolas looked surprised.

"Yes, Lee, tis I." His voice was slow and worried.

"Cooooool," she giggled. "Hey I betcha you dunno bout Megolash. She'sh real cool-like." Legolas raised any eyebrow at the name "Megolas", or what he assumed to be Megolas. After all, Lee was extremely and excruciatingly sloshed.

"No, I believe I do not know this Megolas'."

Lee frowned. "Well den, I'sh gonna hafta shing da shtory, huh?"

"No, no singing, Lee," Gandalf said hastily, but Lee ignored him. She grabbed yet another flask, hauled herself onto a tree stump, and began her shtory—I mean, story.

"Well, I'll tellsh ya, Megolash ish a very intershting pershon," Lee started. "I can shing da shong for ya." She swayed slightly.

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_"Ohhhh_

_Megolas was an Elven lass_

_Who wandered through the woods_

_In search of a small clearing_

_In which to eat her favorite foods."_

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_"She was a fair sort of lass_

_With eyes of cornflower blue_

_And hair of raven beauty_

_Many men sought her to woo."_

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_"As she spread the picnic cloth_

_And waited for her friends_

_An Elven man she came across_

_And smiled to dismay's ends."_

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_"Hello, fair maid,' the Elf doth bragged_

_My name is Legolas.'_

_The lass did smile and then replied,_

_I am called Megolas.'"_

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_"Your hair is surely long and fair,'_

_Megolas duly noted._

_Legolas merely smiled and replied,_

_As many women have doted.'"_

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_"Megolas frowned at the Elf_

_Himself he was full of_

_Legolas merely fluffed his hair_

_And said something like, Nyuf.'"_

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_"Why, how dare you nyuf?'_

_Megolas said in consternation_

_My hair can surely outflip yours_

_And yours looks like a dead carnation.'"_

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_"Legolas opened his mouth in shock_

_But then decided to show her_

_He was the best, oh yes! By far!_

_He'd take her down by thunder!"_

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_"He steadied himself and readied his hand_

_In hair-flipping position_

_He gave it his all, which was quite a lot_

_He was sure he had achieved his mission."_

_"But to his surprise, Megolas laughed_

_She giggled and chortled with glee_

_Is that all you've got?' she managed to say_

_To a dismayed and disgruntled he."_

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_"Can you do better?" Legolas retorted_

_And Megolas batted her eyes_

_She said, "Why yes, yes indeed_

_You'd be quite surprised.'"_

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_"So Megolas steadied her head_

_Gave it a few small test throws_

_Legolas watched with bated breath_

_Anticipation had him in its throes."_

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_"Megolas threw back her head_

_And before the Elf coud say, Hey now!'_

_His mouth was full of raven hair_

_And all he could manage was, Ow.'"_

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_"So,' the lass said, smiling ferally_

_What did you think of _that_?'_

_Legolas fell to his knees and said,_

_You amazed me at your turn to bat!'"_

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_"Told you so,' Megolas sniffed_

_And tossed her hair once more_

_Glancing back, she gasped in shock—_

_Legolas was no more!"_

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_"The extra toss must have killed him off,_

_The lass named Megolas pondered_

_And, checking round to make sure no one saw_

_Away she ran and pretended to wander."_

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_"No more shall the tale of Megolas proceed_

_It is here in its whole_

_And such you know the death of Legolas_

_We blamed it on the animal called_

_The mole."_

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Lee ended the drinking song. Everyone gaped.

The hobbits broke out in cheering. "'Twas a good'un, Lee!" a drunken Sam chortled.

"Indeed!" Merry called, laughing. "_I_ enjoyed it."

Lee took a bow and toppled over. Boromir helped to lift her up. "Lee," he muttered darkly, "this is ridiculous. Enough drinking, enough drinking songs you are resting."

"Oooooh" the girl moaned. "I don't feel sho good" Her sentence was abruptly ended as she clapped a hand over her mouth and dashed towards a tree. The rest of the Company could hear the sounds of vomiting. Boromir sighed.

"Gimli, if you could assist in taking care of Lee," he called over his shoulder. "I do not yet trust the rest of our Company."

Gimli nodded gruffly and hurried off after Boromir's long stride. Gandalf heaved a sigh and turned to Aragorn and Legolas sternly.

"Legolas, Aragorn," he said grimly, "stay and take care of the hobbits. In their state, I am sure they will need your help." The two nodded, struck out of OOC-ness by the combination of the drunken Lee and the drunken Lee's song. Gandalf turned and walked off towards where Lee was busy retching.

Aragorn turned to Legolas. "Well, my friend," he said, shooting a glance at the holbytlan, "it looks like we have some trouble on our hands." The Elf nodded dumbly.

"Truly," he managed to croak. "If we cannot help with Lee" He sent a helpless look to the hobbits, who were laughing like loons on loon tablets. "Let us do what we can."

They sighed again, as everyone before them had, and walked to the hobbits to calm them down.


	7. Enter the PPC

**A:N**: Woohoo! I love all of you reviewers! .:sniff:. And now I shall name all of my latest reviewers: **Rylee Smith**, **NeverSayDie**, **DeeSarrachi**, **RobynPepsiGoddess1**, **Fireblade K'Chona**, **GoGoTorturegirlYeah**, **LegosGrl**, **Newmoon**, and **rominas firieth**—I love you ALL! PHWEE! Free fudge for all who aren't allergic! As you can see, I am very happy. Hence the large smiley. I cannot do replies just now, but I _swear_ I shall do them next chapter. I should probably be updating 'Kagome of Tokyo', or '40 Days and 40 Nights', but since I am not getting _any_ inspiration whatsoever and I am favoring this fic, so be it. All of my _InuYasha_ fanfic fans will tear me limb from limb. But I can't help it; it's just kinda happening right now. I have a PPC agent! Yay! However, I think that I shall throw Viviane in there just for kicks. After all, there's nothing like a sardonic, cynical Purist assassin. Fun times, y'know. Well, as for the Disclaimer, Radagast was asked for, and Radagast ye shall receive. Tell me anyone else you want to introduce the Disclaimer for next time. I'll make a list. Oh, and my best friend Megan, from whom Tiffie and I created Megolas from and who now is the proud owner of the nickname Megolas, thanks you all profusely for the compliments on her song, which I was given permission to write. So, in a sense, Megolas exists. She's quite crazy as well. I'd love to see what would really happen if we threw her into Middle-earth. Ta!

**Disclaimer [by Radagast]**: .:blinks:. Erm… yes. The Akai-Sakura does not… what was it again?

Akai-Sakura's voice: .:exasperated:. Do we need the cue cards, Radagast?

Yes, I believe so. .:squints to look at the cue card:. Ah yes. The Akai-Sakura does not own Arda and/or any of its inhabitants. The Tolkien estate owns them all, and she is not profiting by this in any way, shape, or form. In fact—wait. We are owned? By a person?

Akai-Sakura's voice: Uh…. Youheardwhathesaidfolksbye!!

No, wait! Who is this who 'owns' us? Why have I not heard of him? I am a Maia! I am of the Istari! I am favored by Yavanna! How is it that I don't know this person who—

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Chapter 7

Enter the PPC

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Lee bent over a bush. "Ohhhh," she moaned, clutching her stomach. "I feel all woozily." She fell to her knees and began to vomit again.

Boromir tried to be stern, but found himself softening. After all, it's _slightly_ hard to stay angry with somebody while they are throwing up in a bush and have the look of utmost illness on their face. He held her hair back as the food rations came out again. "It happens. I remember my first few drinks. I was as sick as a dog, but it shall be better in the morning."

"Ohhhhh," was all she could manage. As she stopped retching, she said, "Well, at least I can honestly say that I had my first drink in Middle-earth." She brightened, then her face contorted. "Oh m'God…" She bent over the bush again.

Gimli was busy trying to clean off his and Boromir's boots—and failing miserably. He grumbled, "Can we not just dunk them in a river and be done with it?"

"They are leather, but do what you will," Boromir replied. "I do not wish to have the stink of vomit on my boots." He looked fairly amused. "But if you do not want to touch them…"

Gimli swore good-naturedly and went to go find a convenient stream/river/brook/pond. Or any other body of water sans ocean that this author forgot to mention. The ends of Boromir's mouth twitched up into a faint smile, then he bent down to look at Lee again. "Lee, are you done?"

Lee collapsed. "Yeah, I think so. My tummy hurts." Her eyes were already half-closed. "I wanna sleep. Can you find me a pillow?" She curled up into a ball.

He sighed and picked her up. "Hey, put me down," she commanded sleepily, and kicked feebly. "You and picking me up. I can walk. I have legs, thankyouvery_much_."

"Can you put them to use?" Boromir asked pragmatically.

There was a silence.

"I could if I wanted to," came her muffled, half-asleep reply. Boromir chuckled and continued to walk towards where his companions sat. Lee stopped protesting and started snoring.

Loudly.

He winced. Was that drool on his shoulder? She certainly did fall asleep quickly. And she slept like a log. Boromir was sure that an army of orcs could attack them now and Lee wouldn't stir. He reached Aragorn's side and gently set her down. "She is tired," he said simply.

"After that song, I do not doubt it," Legolas replied grimly.

Gandalf managed to smile. "Come, Legolas, did the song perturb you?"

"Nay," the Elf muttered. Gandalf and Boromir exchanged looks. It was good to have their own Legolas back. Certainly it was an improvement from that simpering, huffy Elf that had taken him over.

Suddenly a voice bellowed, "GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE!"

Boromir, Gandalf, Legolas, and Aragorn jumped. "What was that?" Aragorn asked, tensing.

Legolas' eyes were fixed on the horizon. "I do not know, but hopefully it did not wake the hobbits. And where is Master Dwarf?"

Boromir chuckled. "Out washing the stink off of our boots."

The voice came again: "NO MR. CADER, I HAVE MY HOMEWORK!"

They jumped again.

"BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!"

Boromir chanced a glance at Lee, then did a double take. "My friends, I believe I have found our culprit."

"What?" Legolas asked, slightly confused. Boromir pointed to Lee silently.

Lee's mouth twitched, and she shrieked, "DON'T LET THE TOASTERS GET ME, MOMMY!"

Gandalf and Boromir hid matching smiles. Aragorn looked annoyed. Legolas twitched, but broke out in a smile. "Perhaps we should gag our companion in hopes that she does not alert the Enemy to our presence?" he suggested, eyes wide with mock innocence.

Aragorn broke the silence by snorting in an extraordinarily Lee-like fashion, and Boromir had no choice but to laugh. Gandalf chuckled, and Legolas smiled.

The four of them were laughing when a soaked Gimli entered the scene. Silence ensued as they stared at him, until Gimli asked gruffly, "What, praytell, is so amusing?"

That set them off into gales of laughter, and the Dwarf merely shook his wet beard and sat down.

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_Come on in, Beth._ The SO waved in the girl with a leaf. _She should be here soon._

"Uh-huh." Beth was not fazed. "Why am I being called in for a partner anyway?"

The SO paused. _We got an anonymous call. And not 'anonymous' in the nice sense of we-protect-their-name-so-we-REALLY-know-who-called. It's anonymous in the sense of we-really-don't-know-who-called. Which is not so nice. And apparently the 'Sue is horrific. Horrific enough that the person didn't find any need to send a copy of the story. But they sounded heartbroken enough over the phone._

Beth raised an eyebrow. "Aaaand nobody traced the call because…?"

_Caller ID is on the fritz._ The girl rolled her eyes. _Anyway, you won't stay with the partner long. Just long enough to eviscerate the 'Sue._

"Well! _Some_body was reading the dictionary lately," came a drawling voice. Beth turned toward the door to face a tall girl with (quite literally) tar-black hair and too much eyeliner. The strange girl popped her gum.

"Gum. Nice. Where'd you get it?" Beth asked, adjusting her glasses.

The girl popped the gum again. "Package from home. I love having a concerned sister."

The SO cleared his throat. _Er, Beth, this is Viviane. Viviane, Beth. Be gentle. Please._

"Wait." Beth paused. "Are you the same Viviane they mention in basic training?"

"It depends," Viviane replied, playing with her gum nonchalantly. "What do they say?"

"The nicest terms were psychotic bitch."

"Ah." Viviane's face brightened. "Then yes."

_She has a bit of a problem driving her partners off the edge,_ the SO remarked dryly.

"Hey. Most of them weren't far from said edge anyhow," Viviane argued. "Especially Billy. Can I help it if he was obsessed with his ex-girlfriend?"

_You didn't have to name your side of the console Amanda._

"Why should I deny my console a name?"

_Or ask about Amanda-the-ex constantly._

"So I have a faulty memory."

_Or keep asking for a new partner._

Viviane winced. "Yeah, that was my fatal flaw, huh?"

"Okay, as much as I enjoy heartfelt conversations about crazy ex-partners," Beth broke in, "we do have a job. Where is the 'Sue and what can we do?"

The SO wrung its leaves. _Apparently the 'Sue is on her way to Hollin. It's quite recent, but from the sounds of it, it's ugly._

Beth winced. "How ugly?"

_I believe her name is Li, and she was singing last I heard. Apparently she has a "lovely singing voice, like that of a nightingale and a dove"._

Viviane looked slightly incredulous. "I don't think I've ever come across a Chinese girl in Middle-earth yet," she said.

_Well, there's a first time for everything,_ the SO noted sourly. _Now can you get on down to Makes-Things? He'll give you a portaller._

"Mine's operational," Beth interrupted. "In fact, most of my things are."

_Then keep them away from Viviane,_ the sunflower shot.

Viviane scowled. "You know, when you say things like that, it hurts my feelings."

_Good._

Beth made a small "ahem"ing noise. "Er, can we go now, Viviane? Let's not let the 'Sue get too far ahead of us."

Viviane blinked. "Okie-day," she agreed semi-cheerfully, and waltzed—literally—out of the office. Speechless, Beth followed. _Well, this will definitely be fun... _she thought for lack of anything else to think.


	8. That Time of the Month Part I

**A:N**: Alright, I lied. I can't do replies because my computer decided to go stupid on me and erase all of my Offline Internet files, which is where my reviews were saved. So I will do them… just not right now. Gomen nasai, minna. I have a recommendation to all those who read this, because if you're interested in this fic, you'll love this book: _Eats, Shoots, and Leaves_ by Lynne Truss. My grandmother in Wisconsin bought it for me and I adore it. I have a new Bible. It is a book all about punctuation. Isn't that awesome? I can proudly say that I am a stickler, as defined by Ms. Truss. I wield her book all over my school (now as an upperclassman! Damn yeah!) and have thusly been dubbed the Syntax Nazi in my Creative Writing class. So life is the same. Well, on with the story, right? Oh, Elladan and Elrohir were requested first, so Elladan and Elrohir ye shall receive. I have way too much fun in my Author's Notes… should I just abolish them altogether? It's up to you guys. Ciao!

**Disclaimer by Elladan and Elrohir**:

Elladan: …You should know why we are here.

Elrohir: Yes, we are here to proclaim that… .:turns to Elladan:. What was it again?

Akai-Sakura's voice: .:exasperated:. You guys! First Radagast forgets, now you two. Don't make me come out there!

Elrohir: .:looks panicky:. Well, in that case…. We are here to tell you all that the Akai-Sakura does not own us.

Elladan: Or any of Arda, for that matter. That belongs to Eru and the Valar.

Akai-Sakura's voice: .:coughtolkiencough:.

Elladan: Sorry?

Akai-Sakura's voice: Eheheh… oh nothing! Go back to disclaiming!

Elrohir: Well… we already finished.

.:awkward silence:.

Elladan: .:turns to Elrohir:. Now what?

Elrohir: I don't—

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Chapter 8

That Time Of Month Part I

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Leo wrung his hands. "We called the PPC—" he winced "—Boss. They sent two agents after the girl. She should be dead within a sennight."

"How long?" The voice coming from behind the swivel chair sounded deadly.

"Er, not a sennight!" Leo improvised. "In fact, sooner. Very soon."

"Good." The voice seemed to relax. "So this little catastrophe will be taken care of, correct, Leo?" She paused. "Because I will not settle for failure. She will be removed from Middle-earth, if not alive then dead." A brittle grin cemented on her face. "The PPC are good at what they do."

"Um, yes, Boss." An awkward pause ensued. "I-I'm sorry about that."

A sigh escaped the Boss. "It matters not, my Leo." Her voice suddenly sounded wistful and nostalgic. Leo's heart warmed towards her. "Many of my fellows have been killed at the hands of the cold, heartless PPC. I have seen my sisters fall, my comrades scream in pain. So many… so many have died that I cannot count them all." Her voice seemed so sad… so mournful for the fate of all Mary-Sues worldwide… Leo couldn't help but feel her pain. He understood that these perfect women all fell to this deadly virus called the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Why? he thought. Why kill them, when all they wanted to do was fix Middle-earth? They brought respite to the suffering, they healed the sick. They were wonderful. Why kill them?

"Why, my lady?" he said aloud, not even realizing he was falling under her spell. "Why must they all die for such a goodly cause?"

Unbeknownst to Leo, the Boss smiled, satisfied. She knew she still had it in her, no matter how old she might be. A regular Helen of Troy, they had called her in her day. She was beautiful, she was smart. And she was cunning, even if she did hide it well at times. Just for moments like these….

"I do not know, my Leo," she said sadly. "Perhaps they envy us, for never have I seen a lovely agent. But perhaps it does not matter, because that is our lot in life. A noble calling it is indeed, to be a Mary-Sue. But yet it is our destiny to never be truly happy, to never see Middle-earth peaceful, to never see our lovers truly happy." When in reality she knew that they were here to cause panic, to ruin all that was good. The brainchild of Morgoth, they had also called her in her day.

But she wouldn't let this entranced male know that just yet.

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Lee shot up. "I'm awake!" She winced. "My head aches. Why does my head ache?" She sniffed the air. "And why does my room stink? Did Greg plant another stink bomb in here?" she moaned, clutching her head.

That's when she realized that this was not her room. In fact, this could not be farther from her room. This was the woods. And that wretched stink was….

"Oh, grody!" she screeched. "Who the hell threw up? And why am I lying by it? And where the hell am I?" She got up, wide-eyed. A man yawned and rose.

"Lee, calm down, please. Some of us were up later than expected the night before." He rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Oh, gods!" Lee covered her mouth. "Do… do I know you? Wh-why are you with me?" She paused. "Did you rape me?!" she shrieked.

His mouth dropped. "What?" He strode over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Lee, Lee, it is I, Boromir. Do you not remember?"

A very, very short and heavily bearded man rose slowly, groaning. "Ah, Lee, I see you are up," he remarked sourly. "Now please be kind and let the rest of us sleep."

And suddenly everything came back to Lee… the crazy people in lab coats… "King" Elrond and Liv/Arwen… prattling off information like a loon on loon tablets… and the night before, drinking and drinking…. "Oh gods," she moaned. "Did I get drunk last night?" Everything she said this morning registered and she turned a brilliant shade of crimson. _I can't believe I accused Boromir of raping me! _she thought, aghast._ Boromir wouldn't rape a fly! Well, he shouldn't be raping flies, because not only is that uber-grody, it's slightly impossible. Ugh… how about let's _not_ think about Boromir or anyone else raping flies?_

Obviously recognizing the inner diesel that was Lee's train of thought, Boromir quickly interjected, "Yes—in truth, Lee, you were so drunk that you sang for us."

"Aw damn," she grumbled, quickly snapping out of it. "Which one?"

The question caught the Prince of Minas Tirith off-guard. "What?"

"Which song was it?" She sighed groggily. "I mean, I figure it was a drinking song, and since I'm here, it'd be a drinking song about Middle-earth and/or its inhabitants. Quite possibly it could have been Irish, which I might have picked up from Evan, but I highly doubt that. So which was it?"

A pause, then… "It was about Legolas, if that aids you," Boromir said, taken aback by the fact that a young woman would know any drinking songs.

Lee nodded sagely. "Then it was the Megolas song, huh?" she asked rhetorically. He nodded, speechless and obviously incapable of recognizing a rhetorical question. "Okay. That one wasn't so bad, so we're fine." She paused. "It definitely could have been worse."

Boromir decided not to ask and changed the subject. Or at least had opened his mouth to before a very groggy, very crass Aragorn rose. "Can we move along?" he demanded. "I would like to reach Hollin sometime within the Third Age."

The teenager glared at him. "_Some_ of us are recuperating from last night, if you must know," she snapped quietly.

"Is that _my_ fault?" demanded Aragorn. "I did not pour the ale down your throat. Nor did I vomit all over Gimli's boots."

"Yeah, well—"Suddenly she clutched her stomach. "Oh god… ohgodohgodohgod… my abs feel like someone's beating them with a blunt sledgehammer." She collapsed, much to the shock of the nine males around her, who were (for the most part) awake. Curled in the fetal position, Lee thought angrily, _Damn abdominal cramps. I would gladly give up my right to have children to be spared this._

And then it dawned on her, just as Sam's eyes widened and he said timidly:

"Ah… Lee? You are bleeding… a lot… over your white dress."


	9. That Time Of The Month Part II

**A:N**: IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG! .:sniffle:. I realize that I am a horrid updater and that as penance I should be chained in the BadBadfic section of the Pit of Voles for enough time. .:thinks of Plato's "The Cave" and shudders:. Aaaanyway…! .:huggles all readers, even the ones that don't review:. I think I want Thranduil to do the Disclaimer. More nominees, please! Oh, no, never mind, I know exactly who I want to do this chapter's disclaimer. Thranduil's awe-inspiring-ness will have to wait for this….

**Disclaimer by Glorfindel**: The Akai-Sakura has sent me here to tell you that she does not own Arda. This is a good thing, for if she did, it would be a very odd place. Mainly she would spend her days with the Lady Eowyn and clinging to Glorfindel— .:breaks off and looks alarmed:.

Akai-Sakura's voice: Oh, he's so silly! Glorfindel, keep going.

I… I do not think I can, Akai-Sakura. I think… oh, look, is that another Balrog? I must go slay it! .:runs for his life:.

…

Akai-Sakura's voice: Oh, schist. Okay, not mine, all Tolkien's, yay Tolkien, except for Lee, there. Now, where did my Glorfindel go?

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Chapter 9

That Time Of The Month Part II: Revenge of the Mary-Sue Powers

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A very loud shriek rang out over the clear blue mid-afternoon sky.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

Back on Middle-earth, Lee was dashing about like a madwoman. "Convenient river! Convenient river! I need to wash the blood stains out!" She paused. "Ten to one nobody has any sanitary gear," she grumbled. "This bites the big one."

The Nine Companions were in shock. "Is… is there anything we can help you with, Lee?" Frodo ventured softly.

Lee heard her voice say dryly, "Frodo, unless you are hiding something from me, your Companions, and the rest of Middle-earth, you are at a complete loss." Well, at least she wasn't losing her head over this or anything. Calculating, her mind whirled around. Of course… the random rants of the mind had been hailing lately. Plus she'd been only mildly cursing. She should have seen the large neon sign over her head: LEE IS 'PMS'ING!

She started hyperventilating… again. "White dress! Blood stains! I! NEED! TAMPONS!" Oops. Had she said that last one aloud?

Judging by the looks of bewilderment on the nine males' faces… yes.

_Damnit._

Lee paused in her madness long enough to screech, "Mary-Sue powers! I beseech you! Send me a fa-reakin' convenient river! For once, let me have the astoundingly dim Mary-Sue powers!" She squeezed her eyes shut in hopes that the Powers That Be might send her the Mary-Sue powers, just for a second… if she was lucky… and the Powers That Be were cool….

No dice.

She opened her eyes with a sigh. "Well, never mind then. I guess that nobody up there is listening. That sucks, you stupid Powers That Be!" She shook her perfectly manicured fist at the sky.

Wait. _Manicured nails? Me?_

Lee instantly pulled her fist back and opened her hand, studying the back of it. Sure enough, her nails were French-tipped. She checked the other hand. So were those nails. A sneaking suspicion crept up on her and she fearfully looked down at her normally-flat chest. She… was…

_At least a D-cup, that's for sure._

Not to mention clad in a blue tank top. She bent down further, willing this not to be true. Her legs were encased in blue denim. Her feet were shod in high-heeled sandals. _How practical._

Now this was getting freaky. Lee straightened up and her long, wavy blond hair fell around her shoulders. She grabbed a fistful. _Oh, no. Nonononono. I hate being taken literally._

Her hand strayed to her neck. A necklace hung around it, silver and intricate and something she would never be caught dead in, considering that the jewels studded in it hurt her eyes. She dropped it and stared. _At least I'm not bleeding anymore_.

"Li, your loveliness is too much to bear," she heard a male voice say. She froze.

"Oh, no fucking way," she heard her own voice say.

She forced her eyes to focus on the kneeling form in front of her. Boromir, his head bowed, replied, "I know not what you said, fair lady, but I am yours, believe it."

Lee scowled. "Ti pots!" she growled. "It's not funny, Boromir. Get up." She looked around. "Where's Gimli?"

"Gimli?" Legolas, fuzzy-eyed, frowned. "Who is this Gimli of whom you speak?"

"Ohshitohshitohshit." She paced, Boromir's eyes following her hungrily. "C'mon. Gimli, son of Gloin? Dwarf? The cool Dwarf… oh, fucking come _on_, Legolas, he's your best friend!" She stopped long enough to glare at the Sue-induced Lusty!Boromir. "Boromir, cut the shit and get up. I'm not beautiful, you know that, so stop looking at me like that. Aargh! This. Is. Such. Bullshit," she ground out flatly.

Her mind reeled. Well, last time she snapped them out of it by reciting facts from the Appendices. _But isn't that just even more 'Sue-ish?_ she thought miserably. She was stuck in a rut and there was no way out. Unless maybe somebody else came in and saved her miserable butt – which, by the way, was transformed from its usual nonexistance to about a size 7. She growled again. Her mind kept going on these stupid soliloquies about her angsty, angsty life and her body, of all things. Since Lee suffered from a bad case of morbidius curious, she cautiously opened her mind to one of the many ridiculous angsts and heard:

_She couldn't take it. Legolas said he loved her, yes, and so did Boromir. But how could she trust another man again after what Joe did to her? He – she shuddered at the remembrance – seduced and raped her. He beat her. Just to remember her horror, she looked at her arms and noted the lacy pattern of cuts. She had cut herself to escape the pain of it all, to rise above the horrificness. But Legolas had caught her one day, and, taking one look at her and knowing what she was doing, immediately took the dagger away and held her as she wept. She had cried tears of diamond that night, weeping long into the night. Legolas assured her that nothing bad would happen, but did he mean it? Or did he just want sex, like all the rest? And Boromir, with those hungry, lustfilled eyes of his, he wanted to devour her body, and she knew it. She was afraid of him, and he liked it. She knew it turned him on, her fear, and he loved the taste of fear in a woman's mouth. He would rape her again, she just knew it._

Lee's mind attempted to stage a revolt, but the angst was too much.

What if Legolas was like that too? What if they would all just take her one day and she would never see her family ever again? She couldn't go through Joe again. Not with anyone. This was too much. All she really wanted was to be happy again, but that didn't seem possible.

Suddenly, a very familiar voice in her head spoke out.

_Using rape as a tool for sympathy? Oh, that's low, Mary Sue. How degrading to every girl that's actually been raped. So what? Girl gets raped and dresses like a slut? Probably not likely. Check your facts. And "lacy pattern of cuts"? What, did she use a doily as a guide or something? Cutters don't tend to do it in a pattern… they tend to just cut. Duh. And Boromir is not, not, NOT a rapist or anything similar! Christ on a bike! Just because the Ring took hold of him doesn't make him a bad person! Aargh! And "horrificness"? Is that even a word? I'm all for made-up words in conversation, but not in prose, and urplish prose at that. I like the "tears of diamond" bit… makes me think of the Sue's eyes leaking precious and semi-precious gems at the drop of a hat. As opposed to what, weeping tears of mother-of-pearl? How wonderfully asinine._

Boromir blinked. "Li, is something wrong? You seem to be… fading…." He trailed off uncertainly.

Lee chanced a glance at her hands. "Oh, Christ on a bike!" she yelped. Her body looked like someone was fine-tuning a television. She fuzzed in and out. Helplessly, she stared at the Fellowship.

They stared right back at her.

And suddenly, she knew exactly what to do.

She drew a deep breath and…

"My name is Lee O'Brien. Not Li whatever-her-name-is. I am not Chinese or Asian in the slightest. In fact, I'm Irish and English, or British, or whatever. I still buy clothes in the Girls' section – size fourteen, as a matter of fact – because I am skinny. Not slender, not willowy, skinny. I was never raped, I have never cut myself purposely, and I certainly do not find Legolas Thranduillion sexually attractive. Nor do I find Orlando Bloom attractive at all. I am not and have never been good at singing; usually my voice is comparable to a rusty old car door opening. I am not brilliant in every subject – I am surprisingly stupid when it comes to anything past basic math or science of any kind. I don't like manicures, I don't like high heels, I don't like long hair, and I particularly do _not_ like all of these things combined. Thus, I can't be this girl insinuated here, because even _I'm_ not stupid enough to think that any of this logically tallies."

Lee hung her head. _Hopefully, that satisfied whomever's in charge here_, she thought. Finally, timidly, she looked up.

Boromir was getting up off his knees, puzzled. "Why was I praising your beauty, Lee?" he asked confusedly. "I mean no offense, but… you are not exceptionally beautiful…."

Gimli clapped a hand on Legolas's shoulder. "Pray do not forget again, my friend? 'Tis tiring to see you stare right through me."

The Elf nodded fervently. "I shall try not to, friend. It is far too confusing to have you here one moment, yet gone the next."

Lee blew out the breath she had held in since finishing her tirade. Gandalf let out a laugh. "Well! One of these women with a good head on their shoulders, at last!" He clapped her on the shoulder. "I would ask to celebrate, but I suppose you've had your fill of dwarf ale, young madam?"

She winced and replied, "Can we _not_ talk about that? I'm already trying to repress that particular memory." Aragorn chuckled, Pippin grinned, and Sam allowed a smile, albeit with a tinge of distrust. Lee managed a shaky smile in return. _That was scary_, she thought, a little disturbed. _The angsting is still echoing in my head… is that normal? If I got rid of that Mary Sue, then why do I still feel like she could pop out at any moment? _"Well," she finally broke in, "you've got to head towards Hollin. It's not exactly a short walk."

"Agreed," Aragorn said. "Let us go on and—" He paused, a puzzled look on his face. "Lee? '_You've_ got to head towards Hollin'?"

She stared at him. "Well, yeah. You have to destroy the Ring."

"But you're coming too, right, Lee?"

All heads turned towards the source of the question. Sam closed his mouth uncertainly. "Well, only if you want to, I mean," he added awkwardly. "It's just… if you can fight off the influence of… of them women, then I reckon you could make it just fine with us."

Lee blinked, then smiled another shaky smile. "I'm honored, Sam, really," she started. "But I have to get home, and I…."

"It's settled, then." Gimli reached up and patted the teenager on her shoulder. "Lee is added to our Company and will travel with us until she can find a way back to her home. Wherever that may be."

"Stay," Merry said seriously. "If Sam wants you to stay, you're nothing but welcome with us."

Legolas smiled. "Surely these women are worse than Sauron, for no matter how many times they are slain, they return nonetheless. If you can keep them away, you must be some kind of fighter. So stay."

Boromir said, putting his hand on Lee's arm and successfully turning her a brilliant shade of red, "I believe that you can get home, Lee, but until then, you cannot just stay alone in a land you are unfamiliar with. We shall at least offer you some traveling companions."

Pippin added, "Yes, Lee. You can travel with us, and who knows when you'll find a way to your home? Besides, you're funny."

Everyone looked toward Frodo again. He smiled. "I haven't said a word against her. And as to your protesting, Lee… well, it is you who said it first. Erm… teapots?"

Lee broke into a real smile, her eyes watering. "You guys… ohh, damn. Of course I'll stay." She looked to Frodo. "And Ringbearer, it's not 'teapots', it's ti pots."

"Tee-pots?"

"Eesh… close enough."

- - -

A made-up term for morbid curiosity. Courtesy of my friend Alice after a long day involving emo-kid jokes and gummi bears. (Emo Bear is sadly no more. He was so emo that he threw himself out the window of a moving bus. And by that, I mean Alice threw him out.) (Yes, I enjoy emo-kid jokes. They're astoundingly funny. You should try them sometime.)


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